November 24, 2012 - Leave a Response

Hindi ko naman sinasabing pangit ka; tila naging palayan lang naman ng tigyawayt ang magkabilang parte ng maputi at mamawis-mawis mong mukha na nangingintab-ngitntab pa ng alas diez ng umaga habang naghihintay ka sa labas ng CAS A2 MPH2 para sa HUM2 class na isang cause of delay ng iyong graduation.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing mabaho ka; tila umaalingasaw lang naman ang t-shirt mong nag-aamoy di-natuyuang basahan lalo na sa tuwing nagmamadali kang dumadaan sa wing C hanggang sa wing A ng BioSci ng alas once y media papuntang CPCLH para sa isang major na sa wakas, ipinagkaloob sa iyo ng systemone.

Hindi ko rin naman sinasabing ubod ka ng pagiging patpatin, pero malamang sa malamang ikaw na ang gamiting pang-arnis ng PE2 class sa Copeland Gym tuwing ala una ng hapon para lang ipasa ka sa pangatlong PE mo kahit anim na taon ka na dito sa kolehiyo.

Hindi ko rin naman sinasabing napakagaspang ng balat mo, na sa tuwing nagkakadikit tayo ng braso pag nagkakabanggaan habang nagmamadaling maglakad sa campus, pag bumibili ng merienda sa Coop at habang nakapila sa Window 10 ng OUR para magtanong tungkol sa assessment of fees at makapagpa-register officially, nai-irritate and smooth sensitive skin ko.

At lalong hindi ko rin naman sinasabing talented ka, na sa pang limampung beses na sinabi ng brod mo sa VCF kada alas kwatro ng hapon sa 4 Boys Dorm, lagi mong nakakaligtaang D minor nga pala dapat at hindi E ang kasunod na chord ng A – C#m  at D para sa presentation niyo sa simbahan, pwera pa sa mga pahinto-hinto mo kada strum ng gitara na may pasabit-sabit effect pa.

Pero tila di ko maipaliwanag kung bakit nga ba malawak ang kaalaman ko tungkol sa lahat ng ito at pati oras alam na alam ko, na kung tutuusin, ni wala nga akong kahit 30-minute break tuwing Martes at Huwebes from 10AM to 5:30 PM at habang sinusubukan kong sagutin ang tanong na ito sa sarili, katapat ang MAC computer monitor sa CPCLH para maghanda sa pagiging SA sa FIL20 ng 5:30PM, nakikita ko ang garden face and arnis body mo, naaamoy ang rugged smell mo fresh from ten in the morning, nararamdaman ang pagkaskas ng sand paper skin mo at naririnig ang sabi-sabit mong paggi-guitar, 60 feet away.

Lalong di ko rin mapagtanto kung bakit sa pagtapos ng klase ay nakikita pa rin ng mga mata ko, naaamoy pa rin ng ilong ko, nararamdaman pa rin ng balat ng braso ko at naririnig pa rin ng mga tainga ko ang lahat ng ito kahit ilang oras na ang nakalipas. At sa pagbaba mo from your own seat down the front of the class, hindi ko mapigilang tumitig sa iyo, habang kung ano anong sensations ang nararamdaman ng katawan ko.

Padagdag pa dito ang kakaibang bigat na nararamdaman ng dibdib ko sa bawat paghakbang mo. At sa paglapit mo sa guro ng Fil20, tutungo ka ng kaunti, ngingiting inosente na may mga matang tila mga mata ng isang napaka-cute na kunehong nagmamakaawa para tanggapin ka sa pagpre-prerog mo.

 

At nang napatingin ka sa akin, tumigil ang lahat. Tumigil ang kaingayan sa paligid, ang gulo ng mga harurot ng mga classmates mo, lahat. Pati ang paghinga ko at ang paghinga mo.

Malamang ay tumagal ng mga 0.5 milliseconds ang pagtitinginan natin. Pero parang isang oras na ang nakalipas. At nang bitawan ng mga mata mo ang titigan natin para tumingin sa guro para magpapirma, ako’y napabugtong hininga. Sa pagbaba mo pa lamang ata ng hagdan ay napapigil na ko sa paghinga, pero di ko na naisip yun, dahil ng nakapirma na ang guro, tumingin ka muli sa akin, at sa gulat ng buong pagkatao ko, sinabi mo, “Bye ate!” Sabay ngiti at naglakad palabas ng silid.

Pagtanggal ko ng titig sa pinto ay napatitig ako sa monitor ng MAC computer at imbis na tili na gustong gustong tumakas sa mga labi ko, ang lumabas ay isang ngiting tila umakyat na sa mga tainga ko at isang pabulong na “Yay.”

November 24, 2012 - Leave a Response

Unang linggo ko sa UPLB. Walang kilala dahil ako lang ang natanggap sa UPLB doon sa high school namin. Walang kasama dahil unang dorm na tinirhan ko ay pagkalayo-layo… sa Anos pa, under the supervision of my ever, oldfashioned tito na bakla. Walang katawanan, walang mautangan ni wala man lang makausap. Culture shock? Sus.

Biyernes noon. Kakatapos lang ng ENG1. Bungi-bungi ang sched ko. Asa namang umuwi ako every other 1 1/2 hour, kaya tumambay muna ako sa 711 sa SU. Nakapila na ko, dala-dala ang spicy hotdog na gusto ko nang kagatin.

“Hi. Anong batch mo? Ako nga pala si Mike.” Aba, may itsura. Singkit, tama lang ang body. Pogi. Pero sa dami ng nakapila dito, why the hell are you talking to me?

“Batch ten po. Petra.” (Awkward smile)So kahit ipinakita ko nang I really don’t care, kinausap pa rin ako ni kuya.Nabayaran ko na ang hotdog, nakagat na ito, nalunok ko na’t lahat, kinausap mo pa rin ako. At simula noon, meron na kong kilala, meron na kong kasama, meron na kong katawanan, may mauutangan at meron na rin sa wakas makakausap.

Shet. Ang sarap ng feeling na to. Ang magkagusto ba naman sayo, funny, attentive, pogi at naggigitara. At higit sa lahat, someone who shows you how much he cares. Woo. Sa bawat free time na meron tayo, nagj-jam tayo, kwentuhan, turuan ng kanta. Ilang linggo pa lang pero, shet. Ano tong feeling na parang ang tagal na nating magkakilala? Ano tong feeling na gustong gusto mo nang tumili ng mga… I dont know… one whole hour, at mamalo ng lahat ng katabi mo sa large class para lang mailabas ang nararamdaman?

At aba. May paarrange-arrange pa ng bato sa gilid ng CAS A2 to form words. Pero di naman yun eh… Yung mga words. I LOVE U.

What the fuuuck. Ako na ang laglag panty!…

Ball sa ROTC, malamang ikaw na ang imbitahin kong maging date. At syempre go ka. Ngiting wagas aba! At dahil may pagka-usisera sila mama at lola, ipakita ko naman daw ang date ko sa ball. Ako naman ‘tong excited na excited at di mapakali ang mga daliri sa pagttype ng pangalan sa search tab ng facebook. Eh kasi, may sosc1 ka, at deviance na para sayo ang nakasuot ng duster. Eh di tawa sila lola at mama. Aba may itsura. Kaso parang… ano yun?… In a relationship with ira pelayo.

Salamat sa hindi techie na matatanda, hindi nila nakita. At di ako napahiya. Ugh. Bastard. So much for my first friend, so much for love. Tangina. Tangina mo. Tangina mo ka.

Salamat ah. At salamat rin kapatid ko, dahil siya ang pumalit sayo nung inindyan mo ko sa ball ng ROTC.

Routine

October 27, 2012 - Leave a Response

I like to make fun of people
making mistakes on TV.

I think it’s become a routine.
Someone makes a mistake.
I laugh. I comment. I rant.
Then I say something
about production quality.
How people never seem
to top my standards.
Then I say something
about the declining
standards of current generation.
Then I say something
about it being a human cycle.
Then i say something
about people becoming stupider
by the year.
Then I say something
about people on TV being dehumanized
because they have agreed to be
products of society.
Then I say something
about TV being stupid.
Then I begin to think.

The hell. TV has got me
thinking all this.
It must be of some good.

Then there.
I laugh at myself.
So yeah, I like to make fun of people
making mistakes on TV.

Diary Entry 5

October 27, 2012 - Leave a Response

Do you ever have that feeling that you don’t belong in this world? Well, I do, sometimes. And so I question my existence.

Admittedly, my life has been a bit a routine. But the thing is, even if I step out of it, that seems to be becoming a routine as well. I’ve been reading a lot of books lately. I’ve been often told not to dwell on the books I read. Well, I often get a lot of hangovers, that’s for sure. But, it’s given me something to think about [again].

About life. My life. Well, my real question actually is: what would really make me happy?

Right now, that’s the hardest question I have to face. It’s just that I think that my end goal is my real happiness. And since I don’t know my happiness, I don’t know what to do… with my life. I feel like I’m wasting my time or something.

Is that too pessimistic? Am I too young to think about this? Is it actually worth thinking about? I don’t know.

It’s like I’m beginning to feel like that author in Inkheart. Like he belongs to that world made by himself. Though, I haven’t really made a concrete world of my own yet.

Am I too surrounded by the truth? Ugly truths? Maybe that’s why people like to make up things for themselves. Maybe that’s why people like to daydream, people like to make fugly movies, tv shows, those that actually make people stupid. Maybe that’s why people make up religion. Because people like to believe in something. Believe in something to actually push them to do stuff.

I have long decided that the current society is not fit for me, or rather, i am not fit for this society. And it’s freaking giving me a lot of things to think. Ugh.

I just hope that I come to a decision that I will be contented with. Soon.

Diary Entry 4

October 27, 2012 - Leave a Response

October 8 2012
5:11AM

They tell me the deadline’s last Tuesday… that Tuesday. I was damned, horrified. I don’t want to disappoint! Not Sir! I like him too much, Though my past papers always did disappoint. I always cram my papers. Ugh. Anyway. I rush to make a story. I’ve never written a story. Fiction. What the hell do I write about? I figured religion. It’s old news, but hell, it never ends. I ask myself, how do I show how good it is and how fucked up it is at the same time? I mean, I’m an agnostic… maybe puts me to better perspective, well at least more objective. I sat for hours at Boston, wriggling on my seat, fidgeting, what the fuck do I write about? Fuck. I’m not a fucking writer!

I try not to dwell into that too much. I never really wrote anything. But hell. THIS is required.

That process I went through was so mediocre. Since I’ve been bombarded with LGBT issues these past few weeks, well why not write about that? And what perfect way to show that but with priests! So I read erotic stories online and gather them with some of a few friends’ experiences.

spontaneously I tell myself, I want to write a telephone conversation. So that’s what I do.

I read about this ebook and this paper about catechism on masturbation. So I think what I can pull out from there.

And I speedily type whatever comes to mind, under the premise that my piece would only be for Sir’s eyes. And he’d discard it right away, burn it even. Because it turned out to be fucking shit. I passed it on time in his pigeon hole. I went home, read a book and saw ‘handkerchief’. FUCK. I spelled handkerchief wrong. ‘hanker chief’. FUCK. And I’m supposed to be a college student! THE FUCK! It was mentioned exactly 7 times. And the grammar’s just the surface… because hell it was shit! I wasn’t able to show the plot or the problem or whatever. It was a clattered fucking ugly piece of shit.

Okay I’ve already established that it was a fucking piece of ugly, fugly, humiliating, disconcerting shit. But something else’s more horrifying than that.

I met three of my friends down the grove [road], two of them my classmates in ENG101. The routine was, sir gives us readings, we read at home, we discuss in class… thoroughly. So I ask what we were taking up for our make-up classes. They say our works will be workshopped. I didn’t understand really. So I negected. I walked home with one of them. I asked about our critical film review and the conversation led to the workshop. She said our works we’re going to be workshopped, then continues, a friend’s was there, another friend’s was there, didn’t I go to RMS [where we get our readings] ? I couldn’t comprehend. She asked me what the title of my work was after I told her how shitty my work was. Father John whatever. She said, yeah, it’s there. Father John and Father Peter?

I fucking laugh. Then it dawned on me. And I can fucking see my face falling. Fuck. Seriously?! SHIT! I’ve never sworn so deliberately in an entry. Hell. WHAT COULD SIR BE THINKING! He’s fucking out of his mind! I never knew that was how the workshopped worked! Hell! I thought we were only going to consult him for the piece itself. Who would’ve fucking knew we were going to discuss in class? I don’t care how he picked it. I’d carelessly think he didn’t even read mine! He just picked out randomly! HELL. Who cares! FUCK. It’s in RMS. Around 20 people will have them photocopied, and I justwant to bury myself in coffee buns and Dilmah tea! To my dismay, I went to RMS and I fucking couldn’t believe.

It’s been more than 10 hours now. I still can’t get over it. And around two hours ago, I heard Sir himself greeting me. WHAT! He’s at Boston? Hell I was reeling. My goodness. I could hear them talking about the pieces. Eavesdropping mode. HELL! I didn’t hear my work. So they must have gone through that already. But fuck.

I’m fucking terrified. 4 hours til class. And I’m still up. UGH. I hope all goes well. But fuck. I am perfect disarray.

Diary Entry 3

October 27, 2012 - Leave a Response

October 8 2012
4:23AM

I have always believed that to fantasize is to fool yourself. Outright.

But it just feels so good. Wouldn’t you agree?

It’s been three years since I had my last relationship. I’m the type who prefers a deep one… well, at least not a futile one, that I’m convinced I’m not wasting my time. But I daresay, I miss having one. Ever since I stepped into college, there was always someone being linked with me, someone who’d express a bit, someone who’d flirt, yadah yadah yadah. Don’t get me wrong, I sort of dig that too, but still, my heart’s so convinced that it’s a waste of time if it’s not worth pursuing. But at times, books are my lovers.
Sigh.

I fear that I’d be that woman who would, in the future, live alone buried in her books with cats. The thought makes me grimace. I fucking hate cats. Except for Marvin. They make my skin crawl. I hope I had a dog… makes me remember Chico. The thought makes me miss him terribly.

Yes. I’ve faced many demons. I believe we never really lose them, else, we can all die immediately.

I admit that I am an escapist. And books are my ultimate escape. As the cliche goes, books can take you anywhere. Precisely. Though I prefer science fiction, I try reading a variety of books. It’s always given me the room to fantasize. Hell. Most of them are painstakingly main stream. I mean, the same sing-song pattern. And I say publicly I’m anti-main stream. But as most people delve into their fantasies, realizing or not that they are caught up in their own craziness, I do too. Because fuck, it just feels so good.

Ever since I’ve read the Twilight series, I’ve always admitted that it was Precious Hearts Romance glorified. If ever I gave the idea that I had a reputation as an intelligible reader, people would slap me, like, what the fuck’s wrong with you? But would I deny that they entertain me? Though I admit that they sort of are a visual remark of the declining preference for literature of our generation, they serve as an outlet for me.

Sort of satiates my hunger for emotion, whatever they may be. I’m kind of a hedonist, I confess, again. A big part of me believes I need to satisfy my desires regularly. Because I don’t want to crack at a time I am needed strong and erect. Whenever I feel stressed, I’d read. Whenever there’d be a problem at home, I’d read. Problem with friends? Read. Problem with fucking life… read. Hell, I have a lot of books lined up! I can’t wait to read them all and stack them in my future library!

So where do I go with this? Well, fuck. I love books. I hope I had all the money to buy them. I know at a point… a lot of points that is… I fool myself. Suspension of disbelief. Gahd! It’s my fling! That it is. There comes a time when I want to stop, because sometimes I feel I’m wasting my time. Because I’m fooling myself. I’d be just distraught. Stressed? Whatever. Right now, books are still the best technology I have ever encountered in my life, withstanding even Tap Tap. Hahaha!

I hope with my hope of hopes that I put my fantasies to use! Hahaha… Hell, if I’m gonna waste my time, waste my time to something good, right?

Diary Entry 2

October 27, 2012 - Leave a Response

September 17 2012
6:31PM

The last thing I ever wanted to do was be responsible for something I never intended to be responsible for.

I’m the type who doesn’t really care about what others think, what others say. duh. That’s why I’m like this. I’m a big, fat, 19 year-old with no direction in life. But that last thing I ever want to happen is drag others down because of something I’ve done, something I’ve been. Because of what? My sloth? My apathy? I feel so guilty. I don’t really care too much, whatever happens to me. But, if others are going to pay for what I’ve done or have been. Well, fuck. I guess I’d have to change my ways then!

Why the fuck am I thinking about this? Well, it’s because of my roommate. He told me about when he passed his journal for a subject, and he got reprimanded for passing so late. He looked up to the professor of that course. Hell, he was our favorite professor! And he told me, he felt like his father was the one reprimanding him, in front of everybody else in class. He made a lame excuse for being late, that he spilled sauce on his journal and had to rewrite the whole thing again. Though, it was partly true. But it gave him time to actually rewrite the whole thing. SO. yeah, you know where I’m getting. Anyway, sir told him that this perfectionist attitude of his will never get him anywhere and that he had to change that. Whatever happened to him? Sir said he wasn’t like that before, in his other class. And sir was pretty darn upset, that’s for sure. My roommate wouldn’t have been so shocked. But anyway… Apart from this, I knew from my other friend that he was the best student in class. I even asked if wasn’t this other achiever the one? She said, no, it’s him.

Alright then, so what’s my point? DANG. I practically don’t care about my grades. Well, not as much as my roommate does. And the three of us with our other roommate actually planned to get a house, planned to be good students, planned to pull our grades up, planned to help each other pull ourselves up. And this happens.

AWW. I just want to apologize to my roommate. I’m fucking contributing to his being dragged down as a student. I should help him get up. Especially when he just got back from being AWOL. I’m so sorry, roommate. For being such a bad influence. I’ll try to fucking change if that should help.

Well, yeah. I feel like this ate. But, hell. FUCK! I’m such a bad ate. I don’t wanna be bad to the point that it hurts others. T_T No.

Goodness. Loom over me. Please.

October 27, 2012 - Leave a Response

The cruelest lies are often told in silence. – Robert Louis Stevenson

Truth: ugly yet amusing

Diary Entry 1

October 27, 2012 - Leave a Response

Futile. Shit.

This is what I find amusing with my blogs. It’s never too interesting for anybody else. That’s why they’re like my diary. I can write just anything, post anything I want to… no body will care.

Do I think aboutme wanting attention? Gad. I asked that myself a bunch a times before. I guess, I just really don’t care in a sense. I know this is public and this is online. If someone reads it, cool. If they don’t then, cool.

Anyway, watching Big Daddy for the 14th time. WOO! thanks little brah.

Island Song – Ashley Eriksson

October 26, 2012 - Leave a Response

*this is an awesome song played as an ending theme in Adventure Time <3 ♫♪ I just love that show*

Come along with me
And the butterflies and bees
We can wander through the forest
And do so as we please.

Come along with me
To a cliff under a tree

Where we can gaze upon the water
As an everlasting dream.

All of my collections
I’ll share them all with you
Maybe by next summer
We won’t have changed our tune.

We’ll still want to be
With the butterflies and bees
Making up new numbers
And living so merrily.

All of my collections
I’ll share them all with you
I’ll be here for you always
And always be with you.

Come along with me
And the butterflies and bees
We can wander through the forest
And do so as we please.

Living so merrily.

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