Wow. It’s been two years since my last blog post. And I just tried to open this site again today, 3 in the morning of January 23. Weird, but I suddenly felt like writing. Maybe because a tool is readily available. I’m using the new laptop I bought. Happy I bought it. Anyway…
Two years. A lot has happened. So much that I wouldn’t dare even summarize it here. I just want to lay down the contents of my brain that have been bothering me for quite a while. I guess this shall serve as a sort of rest. Or perhaps, catharsis. I don’t know.
I’m not sure where my sentiments lie, like which phase of a relationship these are on. Because I don’t know exactly how deep yet our relationship is already, Veen’s and mine. Can’t really base it on my parents’ because theirs is completely different. Wish there was someone’s I can look up to or something. Anyway.I have a lot in my mind. But one of the things that are boggling me is: is it normal, if you feel that in a relationship, you can’t be completely honest with your partner?
I’m a free-spirited person, as my mother put it. I remember her asking me before, “Is Veen okay with that? With you being like that?” It seemed a silly question to me because I know he loves me for me. But I understand that relationship goes both ways. And so I understand I have to, not really give up things that I want or once wanted, to make my partner happy. I’ve pretty much changed a lot, I think. I’ve turned so emotional. I don’t even think I can fit in FF too well now. Other than that, I don’t really know what changed. I think I’ve been so focused on our relationship. I base most of my decisions on our plans, on his being convenient. Well, because I know he’d do the same for me. But there are times when I discreetly open up that I want something, but he’s against it, or he doesn’t really like it or he thinks it’s impractical.
Things like make up. Most of the time, I’m not really comfortable wearing that, true. But there are times that you just are and you want to. On certain occasions. Most of the time, at least, before, prior to this coming wedding we were going to, he didn’t really agree that I put on make up. For whatever reason. So I wouldn’t… and I’d just tell myself, I’m allergic anyway. But I’m not really allergic to it, I just say that because it’s easier to convince myself. I mean when I tell him “but I wanna look pretty or something,” he just says “you already are and you don’t need that,” I ask myself why I wanna put it on. I just feel that I want to put this on and be pretty on that day. And when you come to the point that you say this out loud, there’s going to be some subtext to it inserted by whoever. I’m the one who becomes either maarte or selfish. *Sigh* I used to just do what I want. Every time. But I know that will end when I entered this relationship. I think it goes the same with every relationship there is. I think, since I based plenty of decisions on our relationship, that I succumbed to fight for what I want, since I’m not a very good decision-maker. I’ve made plenty of bad decisions and still think I make a lot of them, so I sacrifice what I want.
I think it’s fair enough to say that, I have sacrificed so much for this. But the little things? Like this? Make up. So petty. Maybe for others, for him, but things as simple as make up can make wonders. Not just physically I mean. Like to my self-esteem. Or the presentation of myself.
Heels? I’m up arguing with him through chat while he’s at the office about how I ranted that he wouldn’t allow me to be in heels for a wedding. I think if I was either my old or my future self, I would be laughing at this. Because this is pretty hilarious. He didn’t want me in heels. And I just decided fine, to end the conversation. But who wears sneakers in weddings? Little toddlers do. But not an adult guest. And I’m so psyched because I haven’t been in a wedding at this age and like what my friend commented, it’s a rare time to make yourself up and dress up for an event to look and feel pretty. She gets it. Why doesn’t he? I mean he’s really picky with his shirts and pants. Why can’t he understand this?
*Sigh.* It’s so petty. I wish to just laugh it off in the future. But for now, I think I’d want to play Sims and watch Community.